The gun was held firmly in my hand. I had it leveled right at his head and there was no way I would miss. The day’s events replayed through my head, but I forced myself to concentrate on what was going to happen within the next few seconds. It’s funny to think that clichéd action movie scenes such as this actually play out in real life, but I knew that there was no magical happy ending for this one… You would imagine that holding a gun at his head would put me in a place of dominance, but it’s really meaningless when he’s armed too, and his barrel is pointed straight as my head as well. The look of determination on both our faces was indication enough. I was going to die. But I was sure as hell going to take him with me.
I've been hard at work to give you few readers something brand new this month, but creative differences with my word processor and living in China will have to push that off until next month. Instead, I'll give you the exact opposite: possibly the first fully formed short story that I was really proud of. (Not including some stories about Voltron and the Ninja Turtles circa: 1990.)
I'm not sure how well it holds up all these years later, but there are still some elements of the story that I like. This may wind up getting completely redone somewhere down the line, but for now it can stand the way it is. Since I wrote this, it's undergone quite a few edits, but the one thing I've never been sure of was the ending. As presented here, I have what was basically the original ending to the story, but I'm going to ask whoever winds up reading this to please help me decide what to do.
The ending is presented on a separate last page. It's an extra paragraph that adds an extra twist to the whole story. When I was in High School, I thought it was a pretty neat twist, but now I wonder if the story isn't stronger without it. To honor my pimply High School self, I've left what remains of the original ending in, but have separated it from the story.
Which way do you think it reads better? Or does it suck both ways?
As always, comments about anything (typos, redundancies, spanish translations) are always welcome, but what I'm really looking for here is some closure on an ending that has been bugging me for years.
Hope you enjoy it,
- Shawn
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4 comments:
Sorry, before anything else gotta get out some typos. =) It's the editor in me. I can't help it. Blame the newspaper.
first paragraph - you wrote as instead of at when you wrote about the gun pointed at the narrator's head (fourth to last sentence)
Probably more too but I need to go finish packing so I didn't pay close attention to grammer and spelling.
The story is good. Without the ending the reader can assume that both characters die and with it the reader is left unsure of what happens. Either one works but I think I might like it better without it.
PUBLISH YOUR STORIES SHAWN!!!!!!! But first PLEASE proofread them.
Off to go finish packing.
Well nyaaaah... you spelled grammar wrong, so there!
Yeah, I know my typos get annoying. I try to catch 'em all, but I get too caught up in the content and larger grammatical problems. Bleh.
Anyways, I do agree about the ending and if I ever found an appropriate way to publish these stories I'd probably have the story run without the epilogue.
Thanks!
Bet you wasn't expecting a comment this late in the game. Was ya?!
OK. So overall I really, really liked this piece. But I gotta beg you not to use the new ending. It just felt way too forced, like you were trying to put a big surprise finish on a story that didn't need it 'cause it was good throughout.
Which brings me to the only real substantive (constructive?) criticism I have. There are a few places where it feels like you don't give your reader enough credit (like the ending). It feels like you are just trying a little too hard to string them along. The one place it really showed the most was at the end of the first guy's story when you have a line about their faces being covered with blood, which is great, but then you make a remark about their shared humanity despite their different backgrounds. It just felt like it was one step too far. We got it from them both being covered in blood. No need to cram it down our throats. Most of the time though, your narration was really great.
Other than that I really liked it. It was definitely fresh and morally ambiguous: which you know I am a huge fan of. And I really liked the common connection with Carlos. That was very cool. I can't believe you wrote this in the last millennium! You gots skill.
Thanks for the feedback bro, it's always greatly appreciated.
But some clarification: the ending tacked on at the end is actually the ORIGINAL high school ending. Upon rereading the piece I felt that it was a lot stronger without the original ending, but kept it in for this post to gauge reader reaction to which ending is better. I mean... what do I know?
Plus, High School Shawn LOVED the ending. And don't wanna disrespect the author.
But yeah, I think on future edits, that ending will be nowhere to be seen.
- Shawn
(I'm posting anonymously thanks to the freakin' People's Firewall over here.
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