Before I get started this month, I owe whatever readers I have a sincere apology for a lack of... well... anything for October. My first excuse that on October 1st, I was traveling around China's Special Administrative Region. My other excuse is that I wanted to post something fresh for you, but I got caught up working on a bigger project that's too early to talk about.
But have no fear, it's a new month, and as a special treat, I have a brand new story that I literally finished yesterday. I'm sure there are still some kinks to iron out (maybe a new name is in order, not sure how I feel about the title) but all in all, I'm pretty happy with this one.
So again, sorry about last month. But without any further delay, I present to you the adventures of Zebulon Pike Pierce! I really hope you enjoy this one.
See you next month (I promise!),
- Shawn
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7 comments:
Quick comment before I run to class. I've got my usual little list of typos. Nothing that big.
- you wrote dinner instead of diner in the second paragraph on the first page
- it should be "an" instead of "and" on the last paragraph of the first page (an undergraduate degree...)
- on page five you put quotations mark after Mr. Sasha on the second line or something
I found it cute that you (probably unintentionally) used grandma and grandpa's apartment number in the story.
Overall, I think it's good and the title is fine.
Oddly enough, the apartment was (semi) intentional. A little shout out if you will.
Aw you're a cute grandson. =)
I liked your story. It kept me wanted to find out more...I liked your modern reference to tech toys... I was waiting to read what happens when he get back to the office....the turn worked well...You do have a way to keep your audience.
Aiight:
First off, I actually read it. Just goes to show you the power of Facebook messages. Now you can't say I never done anything for you. So here is the comments of a person who reads WAY too little fiction. In other words, feel free to ignore any of the comments you don't like:
Overall, I really loved it. I especially liked the ending: not all better, but enough personal redemption to give you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. I have three small constructive (?) critiques:
1) As you say, it needs another read up just to clean up the typos and punctuation errors. No biggie.
2) It takes you a few paragraphs to find the narrator voice. While I really like the opening paragraph (people who name their child Zebulon...), it feels like a very different narrator than the rest of the piece. By the third paragraph you settle into a narration of Zeb's point of view, but the first two paragraphs feel somehow different -- like more of a God narrator. Like I said, I'm quite the dilettante when it comes to fiction, so hopefully this comment is somewhat coherent.
3) I think the narration is great overall, but there are one or two places where it feels like you fall into the "present tense" trap. It really is only one or two paragraphs, but using the Zeb did this. Zeb did that. Zeb did third thing. In those places it made the piece -- for me, anyways -- slow down a little bit, instead of building suspense.
Anyways, hope those are helpful/intelligible. Overall, I really liked it. Maybe even enough to actually read another one of the ones that I have been deficient about. Maybe.
Here's looking forward to next month's.
--J
Also, not that I'm saying, but start your research:
http://www.fglaysher.com/LitLinks.htm
Dude, thanks for the response. I know what you mean about some of the narrative... that's what happens when you suffer from acute ADD and can't focus. Combine that with a mortal hatred of self editing, and you get the mess that I put out.
I'll definitely head back and try to sort all of that out!
Also, thanks a bunch for that list... it'll help a lot! And hopefully soon!
Thanks again bro, much appreciated. (And don't sell yourself short on Fiction... even if you haven't read much, you've read The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and really... that's all that matters)
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